In addition to recreation, take on some of the daily chores that after marriage will become a way of life—shopping for food, preparing a meal, washing dishes, and housekeeping. By being together under real-life circumstances—when your partner may even be at his or her worst—you can see behind any display-window mask. Usually a man and woman will go all out to win each other’s love. But if given enough time, unpleasant habits and tendencies have a way of revealing themselves. A couple who make out time to see each other in action during courtship will likely find an easier adjustment after marriage. With eyes wide open, they can enter marriage confident of being able to work out disagreements that will arise. Successful courtship has prepared them for a successful and happy marriage.
Determine if you should Break Up: As a romance approaches the crossroads of decision, it is not unusual for doubts to arise. What if such doubts stem from serious flaws in the person you are courting or from flaws in the relationship itself? For example, it is true that even people who love each other can disagree at times. But if you disagree on just about everything, if every discussion turns into a shouting match, or if your relationship is a never-ending cycle of breakups and makeups, beware! A poll of 400 physicians revealed that constant bickering is a strong indicator of “emotional UN-readiness for marriage,” perhaps even revealing “irreconcilable conflict between the couple.”
Another cause for concern may be your discovery of disturbing personality flaws in a prospective mate. A display of a violent temper or even hints of selfishness, immaturity, moodiness, or stubbornness may make you wonder if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Yet many overlook or try to justify such shortcomings and seem determined to make the relationship work at all cost. Some feel pressured to marry the person they are dating. They may also dread having to confront and perhaps hurt this person. Others may simply fear that they will not be able to find someone else to marry. Nevertheless, these are not good reasons for prolonging a problem-plagued courtship.
The purpose of courtship is to investigate the possibility of marriage. If you start a courtship in good faith you are not obligated to continue it if the relationship proves faulty. Besides, would it not be wrong and selfish to prolong a deteriorating relationship on the premise, ‘maybe I won’t find someone else? It is thus important that you face—not evade—your problems as a couple. Begin by taking a hard look at the person you are dating. For example, is there evidence that this is a woman who will be a submissive, and show some level of capableness? Is there evidence this is a man who will show self-sacrificing love and be an able provider?
Of course, if you have invested much time and emotion in developing a relationship, do not be quick to call it off just because you have discovered that he or she is not perfect. Perhaps the person’s flaws are ones you can live with. What if they are not? Talk matters over. Do you have fundamental differences in goals or viewpoints? Or have there simply been misunderstandings? Could it be a case of both of you needing to learn how to ‘restrain your spirit’ and settle matters more calmly? If irritating personality quirks concern you, does he or she humbly admit the shortcomings and show a desire to improve? Is there a need on your part to be less sensitive, less touchy? Putting up with each other in love’ is the lifeblood of a good marriage.
Far from destroying your relationship, talking matters out may well reveal the potential it has for future growth! But if the discussion simply results in another frustrating standoff, do not ignore clear signs of impending disaster. Things are not likely to improve after marriage. Calling the courtship off may be in the best interests of both of you.
