self-control, you can avoid being distracted from the primary aim of successful courtship, namely to know each other better.
Getting to know the person: Marriages are more likely to survive and pass the test of time if the parties involved enter them with relatively full knowledge of each other. Granted getting to know each other so well takes effort and discernment. So plan activities that are more likely to help you see your partner’s inner self. While going to a movie or a concert may suffice at the start, engaging in activities that better lend themselves to conversation such as skating, traveling, visiting zoos, museums, and art galleries can do more to help you become better acquainted.
To get a glimpse of your partner’s feelings, try using open-ended questions, such as, ‘How do you spend your free time?’ ‘If money is in excess, what would you like to do? On matter that’s related to spirituality you could ask ‘What features of our worship of God do you like the best? Why?’ These allow in-depth responses that help you learn what your partner treasures.
As the relationship deepens and the two of you more seriously consider marriage, there is need for serious talk about important issues such as your values; where and how you will live; financial matters, including whether both will work outside the home; children; birth control; concepts of each one’s role in marriage; and both immediate and long-range goals and how you plan to achieve these. There is a great need to align all your life to be compatible. It is also a time to reveal things, perhaps in your past, that may affect the marriage. These might include any major debts or obligations. Health matters, such as any serious disease, and their consequences should also be frankly discussed. You should talk sincerely straight from your heart with your prospective mate. In explaining how her courtship prepared her for what proved to be a happy marriage, Justina said: “I never tried to ‘put on’ or say I agreed with Jeftha when I felt differently. I still don’t. I try always to be honest.”
Do not evade or gloss over sensitive subjects out of fear of putting your partner on the spot. Beth made this mistake during her courtship with John. Beth said she believed in saving for the future and not wasting money. John said he agreed. Beth probed no further, imagining they saw eye to eye on matters of finance. But it turned out that John’s idea of saving for the future meant saving for a new sports car! After marriage their lack of agreement on how to spend money became painfully evident.
Such misunderstandings can be prevented. Faith, mentioned previously, says in retrospect of her courtship: “I should have asked a lot more questions, such as, ‘What if I got pregnant and you didn’t want to have a baby, what you would do?’ Or, ‘If we were in debt and I wanted to stay home and care for our child, how would you handle matters?’ I would have carefully noted his reaction.” Such discussions can bring to the surface qualities of the heart that should best be seen before marriage.
See the person in action: A person can be very nice with you on a one-to-one basis, however when others are around, their behavior changes from being an ideal person to unexpected fellow. For instance one of your friends might say something to your partner that he might not like. Now you get to see how he reacts under pressure. Will he or she maintain gentleness or be sarcastic? Being around each other amidst friends and family during courtship helped you see your partner real person under pressure.
