It’s unfortunate when someone goes through a breakup… It’s even more unfortunate when someone goes through a breakup with someone they really cared about.
Without a doubt, the effects of this can be devastating physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
Unfortunately, some people NEVER fully recover from a breakup or divorce from someone they were really in love with.
As crazy as that sounds, it’s 100% true.
Why do some people recover and others never completely heal?
Why do some go on to find true happiness while others continue to carry baggage and resentment into their future relationships?
Most often this is determined by the things they do in the following days and weeks after the breakup happens.
A breakup with someone you really cared about tends to go through a predictable set of stages:
o Looking for answers (Why did this happen?)
o Denial (This isn’t happening.)
o Trying to salvage the relationship (We can fix this.)
o Reconciliation…and likely regret… (We fixed it!…Oops…No we didn’t. Nothing changed and we still have the same problems. We’re breaking up again!)
o Resentment and anger. (I can’t stand that bastard! I hate him!)
o Starting to accept that the relationship is over. (It’s over and you know what? That’s fine. I’m glad it’s over.)
o Discovering your new future. (My planned future with him is over. But my new future is even brighter without him.)
Not everyone will experience each of these stages.
But make no mistakes about it, the things you do immediately after a breakup with someone you really cared about will have a significant impact on your future relationships either negatively or positively.
Doing these 6 things will give you the highest likelihood of a positive outcome.
Let’s start here…
As difficult as separating from someone you truly cared about is, keeping it all in can make it worse.
Now I understand that you don’t want everybody in your business, hell, I don’t either. But in times of need what are REAL friends for?
It’s time to lean on the people that really care about you and won’t put your business in the streets, for emotional support and advice.
A real friend will encourage you, motivate you, and be a nonjudgmental ear, and that’s exactly what you need while going through a difficult breakup.
Whoever that person is in your life, dialing their number should be the first thing you do after a breakup with someone you cared about.
I understand this is probably difficult (especially after the initial hurt and anger has faded away) but it’s time for you to completely detox from your ex.
A few weeks ago another of our writers published an article about “The No Contact Rule” and why it’s so important for breakup recovery.
I suggest you go check it out now by clicking the link above.
To sum it up, staying in contact with your ex can lead to many negative consequences including falling into an on-again off-again relationship.
Remember that reconciliation and likely regret phase we talked about above?
Yea… That’s how on-again off-again relationships begin.
Do yourself a favour and skip this stage altogether.
To get over your ex and allow yourself time to heal you need to completely remove them from your life for the time being.
Delete him from social media, don’t call him, if he’s blowing up your phone block his number.
Right now it’s all about you and your recovery.
You’re no longer a couple and it’s time for you to put yourself first.
Pictures? Gifts? Get rid of them.
You don’t need keepsakes laying around your house that reminds you of your ex. Either throw them away or move them to the basement or attic.
Like I said earlier, it’s time for a complete detox.
If you don’t remove contact and any reminders of him it will be the equivalent of ripping the scab from a healing wound everytime you get a flash of him on Instagram or walk past the Valentine’s Day pictures you have framed on your living room wall.
Don’t do that to yourself.
If you truly want to recover from this breakup and move on it’s time to let those things go.
Don’t fight the hurt and anger. Don’t deny it. Don’t bury your feelings.
As strong black women too often we put on a mask of “being unemotional” and tell ourselves it’s wrong or weak to feel brokenhearted or miss someone.
If you bury your feelings you are cheating your inner self out of growth and recovery and negatively impacting your future relationships.
Don’t scar yourself trying to be strong.
Give the emotions you are feeling an avenue to be released.
This could be through listening to music that soothes your soul and speaks truth to what you are feeling, writing in a diary, or even writing a poem or song about the relationship if you are artistic.
Any channel that will let you constructively release and process your emotions is good.
Don’t hold it in. That’s not the definition of being strong.
Getting over a breakup takes time.
For some people it’s weeks, for others it’s months or even a year or more depending on a few factors which include:
o How much you cared about the person.
o The length of the relationship.
o If you were married or just dating.
o How much you invested financially, psychologically, and emotionally in the relationship.
Now everyone heals differently, but as a rule of thumb you should give yourself a minimum of 3 months to get over a breakup if you were dating, and a year and a half if you were married.
However, whether you were married or not matters. In the same article, Erica presented another study that revealed that it takes married people on average 18 months to get over a divorce.
Of course, if you and your ex were together for several years it’s going to take longer than 3 months to move past the relationship.
Just make sure that you give yourself the proper amount of time that you feel is needed to heal.
You don’t want to end up in a rebound relationship which could compound your heartache if the relationship fails or you get taken advantage of because you’re vulnerable.
It has been proven by numerous studies over the years that exercise relieves stress, depression, and alleviates anxiety.
In fact, many physicians recommend exercise as a first-line treatment for depression.
With that in mind, it’s mandatory that you go engage in some active activities while recovering from a breakup.
Don’t lock yourself in the house and allow yourself to become depressed.
Engaging in active activities refreshes your mind, body, and soul.
So, hit the gym, go dancing with friends, go on a nature walk, try boxing. No matter what you choose just make sure it gets your blood flowing and it burns calories.
You might not feel motivated to get out of the house or go to the gym, but force yourself to do it at least a couple of times per week.
You’ll thank yourself later.
Breakups can be very disappointing and heartbreaking, especially when you have real feelings for the other person
However, you should not let the situation destroy your self-esteem and negatively impact your future relationships.
Keep in mind that some people enter your life only for a season.
Don’t let what’s not meant to be negatively impact what the future holds for you.